Sunday, September 30, 2012

happy birthday grandma.

I want nothing more today than to pack up my kids and go to my Grandmother's house and eat birthday cake and to sing 'happy birthday' to her and celebrate.  I want to celebrate her birthday so bad it physically hurts my heart.  And I can't.  I mean I could go to her almost empty house and visit but there's none of her left there.

It's been three months.  And sometimes out of no where like a damn ton of bricks it hits me and I just cry.  I cry cause I miss her.  Or because she's missing something I would want to share with her.  My kids birthdays.  Her birthday.  The holidays are coming.  She loved the holidays.

And then, sometimes, I can almost feel her standing next to me, her hand around my waist and her head on my shoulder.  I can almost feel her.  Those moments when you can actually see the rays of sunshine coming through the clouds.  I can almost feel her. There is comfort in those moments.

But dammit.  I miss her.  So badly.

But she would mad.  She would be mad if we just sat around and cried.  So we're going to celebrate.  The way she would want us to celebrate.  With our toes in the sand.  Maybe a few afternoon beers.  On the beach.  Watching the pelicans soar.  And we're going to remember. And laugh. And feel her.  And know she is watching over us.  Guiding us.  Loving us.

Happy birthday Grandma.  I love you.